positively.kate

unapologetically kate speer.

Me being me. Transparency in recovery. Gratitude in the everyday. Enough, exactly as I am. Just like you.

Oh babé babé!!! It is a #jiggleforjoy day today!

I am jiggling with so much gratitude!!!!
For my body!
For this community!
For this ass kicking process of recovery that teaches me everyday:
I AM WORTHY.
I AM A WARRIOR.
And,
EXACTLY AS I AM,
I AM ENOUGH.

YES, ENOUGH.
JUST LIKE YOU!!!!

So here s to us today!

Here s to our power to fight.
To grow.
To make peace with our demons.
& To recover.

Here s to our power to be ourselves unapologetically.
To accept ourselves fully.
And, above all,
To love ourselves completely.

And here s to our power to know:
Bodies jiggle.
Bodies squish.
Bodies shake.
AND BODIES ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

Yes,
They are unique temples that carry our fabulous, resilient, grateful warrior selves through this amazing life.

So here s to YOU today and that body that gets you through.

May we know that,
EXACTLY AS WE ARE,
SQUISH,
JIGGLE,
AND SHAKE,

WE ARE ENOUGH.
The oh thank god we survived Monday - now I can take off my pants feeling. πŸ™ŒπŸ™ƒ
Who s with me?!
#nowiwilltakeoffmypants
#andsnugglemydog
#andnottalktoanyone
#pleasebringpopcorn
Hell yes we fall down and hell yes, we pick ourselves back up!!!

Wherever you are in that cycle today,
May you know,
Exactly as you are,
You are enough.

This dork dance - #jiggleforjoy goes out to ALL OF YOU.
Yes you πŸ‘Š

Thank you
For giving me
A virtual peanut butter club,
A hand to hold in silence,
And a supporting hug to pick me back up.

You,
You warrior queens,
are
my tribe,
my soul,
my squad
and above all,
my heros.

Together,
Yes together,
We will lift each other up.

Together,
Yes together,
We will make it through.
Cherishing slowness and the strength that comes from it.
Respecting that today I need silence and snuggles and quiet gratitude and staring into space and that getting dressed is still too much.
All the while
Knowing
Knowing
Knowing
That I am still enough.
Yes
Just like you
In darkness
In fatigue
In confusion
Exactly as I am
Still
Always
Purely enough.
In it.
Fiery hot furious today.
Screaming, yelling, temper tantruming.
Having flashbacks galore.

And so angry.

Angry I don t remember.
Angry you re gone.
Angry that this system is so broken it failed you.

I wish I could call you like I used to after leaving the ward.
I wish we could scream at them together about how they just don t get it.
I wish we could have our ice cream and peanut butter club again, where we hid in my bathroom in scrubs and all of us belonged and made sense, even while still trapped in our separate madnesses.

I know I can t bring you back.
I know the illnesses took you and made you take your life.
I know it s not your fault or mine either.
And I know I promised I d fight for the all of us.

But today I m in it.

Today,
I m
Angry.
Anxious.
Hysterical.
Dark.
Dark.
Purely Dark.

In it.

And that is okay.

And I know you d say that it is okay to be in it, too.
And I know you d get it.
And I know you d hold my hand in silence because that s all anyone can do when the demons are of the mind.

So today,
instead of fighting,
I will miss you.

Today, I will mourn.
Today, I will sob.
Today I will fall entirely apart.

And tomorrow,
I will still miss you.

But in your honor,
I will rise from this darkness.
Yes, I will rise.
And I will fight for the all of us.
Last week, in my journal, I wrote this:
And today,
In the middle of a street,
Beside a pink wall,
I did a photo shoot just for me.

There was no inhibition.
There was no self hatred.
There was no darkness.
There was only pouchy.
And laughter filled sillies.
And my lovey.

And there,
in the street,
Beside that pink wall,
I was enough.
For me and the world.

For in that moment I realized,
To be enough for me,
Is to be enough for the world.

Yes, to be enough for me,
Is to be enough for the world.
I have a bikini body and SO DO YOU!!!!!

The rockstar warrior babe @iskra put together an AMAZING VIDEO of pure inspiration. I am honored to be a part of it. Please take the time to CHECK IT OUT. The link is in her profile (because my bio is being glitchy and I am the least tech savvy person ever 🀦‍♀️).

The video is full of the most SENSATIONALLY WISE & INSPIRATIONAL WOMEN FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE WHO CHAMPION THE TRUTH THAT
WE ARE ENOUGH, EXACTLY AS WE ARE!!! •

So go celebrate these rad babes who fight their incredible battles with grace and honesty and learn from their wisdom. •

And let us all know, accept and celebrate. •
Yes, let us all celebrate that:

WE ARE ENOUGH,
EXACTLY AS WE ARE

&

OUR BODIES
EXACTLY AS THEY ARE,
ARE BIKINI BODIES
FOREVER & ALWAYS!

Here s to summer and,
Above all,
HERES TO YOU!!! πŸ’œπŸ’—πŸ˜˜πŸ’—


And yes, I jumped πŸ˜‚πŸ’—πŸ˜˜
Home.
grateful grateful grateful
to be home.

(Day 4- mental health. Please note: this post contains a discussion of self harm and thus may be triggering. That is okay - I get triggered too - it s human. So please take that into consideration before reading this post.)

Home.
grateful grateful grateful
to be home.

I dream of being an adventurer.
I always have.
Of far away lands and mountains with snow capped peaks
And a land with no darkness, only light.

I am good at being a dreamer.
For ten years, in wake of darkness, suicidality and solitude, the only way I survived was by living in my dreams.

They were my refuge.
They were my salvation.
They were my only light.

I have finally come to find that life is better,
that I prefer the tears and the nightmares of despair.
I prefer the gut wrenching memories of a vomit and blood soaked shower due to mutilating self deStruction
over any single one of my dreams. •

Yes I prefer darkness over dreams.

For darkness is life.

And I prefer life.

I prefer mess and panic attacks on subway cars.
I prefer confusion and anger induced punches til my hand is bruised in a public bathroom.
I prefer my colorful madness.
And I wouldn t want it any other way.

Because,
Out of the darkness,
Out of my darkness,
I make light.
and
when the light shines in, even if it is vastly dappled,
It is mine.

The light is my light to hold.
It my light to live.
It is my light to be.

And in dreams,
although the milk never spills and the darkness never lingers,
the light is not mine to live.

I am home today.
Grateful grateful grateful
To be home.
Amidst dappled light.

I am home today.
Exhausted, messy and free.
Purely colorful in my dark exhaustion.
And I wouldn t want it any other way.

Because even though the darkness hurts,
Even though the darkness lingers,
when the light shines in,
It is mine to be.
I get to see Wafffyyyyy todayyyyy!!!!!!

I am heading home from England to my sweet @wafflenugget and I am superrr duperrr excitedddddd!!!! Yes, πŸ‘†jumping for joy kind of excited!!!!

I know it sounds weird to be excited about leaving vacation behind but as much as I want to thrive while traveling, the truth is - I don t. I thrive most with routine, structure and a home base. I know that sounds boring, boring, boring but thoughtful cultivation of growth, gratitude and recovery is incredibly critical for my happiness and the management of my illnesses.

Now, let me be clear - This trip has been a gift - truly. To see France and England with my lovey and family - oh my goodness it is going to take me weeks to process my gratitude. Additionally, to have time away from work where I can rest my brain and reset my intentions and perspective has been transformative.

The thing I learned most notably, I may do a ton but because I do it in the most scattered way, I am not appreciating or maximizing the potential of my many moments. I need to SLOW DOWN AND LIVE WITH INTENTION.

On one of our hikes, we walked a roman path up a steep slope. These stones have existed and lasted in place for years - a beacon of security and direction - all because of the incredibly thoughtful and disciplined construction of the rock road.

I know I am sure as heck not as badass as a roman builder. However, I do know it is time for me to choose my path and build it, stone by stone.

Throughout the week, I kept coming back to this desire - to teach humans, especially those struggling with mental health conditions, that we are enough as we are and that above all, even in the face of odds that are not in our favor, we can grow in the face of adversity.

So, without further ado, I am going to focus on this path.

Given that I lived in/ out of psych wards for almost a decade, I think first focusing on my own experiences and research therein/after on this broken system could be useful.

So, help a girl out! what subjects would be interesting/beneficial to discuss?

Let me know πŸ‘‡and I will post accordingly. •
It is time to bust up some stigma and use this brain of mine for good 😘
My sister is married!!!!! And her husband is the bestttttttt!!! What a joy and privilege to know and love my family.

My self care sunday was different than usual (no Waffy snuggles or afternoon naps) but I wouldn t change a thing. And nowwww, I m wiped. •

Early bedtime for me, yes siree!!
Pink wall. Must hug.

Heeeyyyyyy loverssss!!! I am so excited about day 1 of omg omg #selflovebootcamp πŸ™ŒπŸ’—πŸ’œπŸ˜„

Sooo intro time!!!

Heyyyooo πŸ‘‹ my name is Kate.

My favorite color is pink but most notably, this shadeπŸ‘†of electric salmon ☺️

I love dresses but I am trying to learn to wear pants more as an act of acceptance of my legs but when it s super hotttt, πŸ‘†I for sure still wear them.

I live in Vermont and the best part of it is it s access to the great outdoors. I love them the most. They humble me, inspire me and ground me. My best days are spent adventuring there. •

I live with my lovey - Dave - and our sweet fluff, my psychiatric service dog - @wafflenugget in a timber frame cabin that overlooks the Connecticut River. We are the luckiest.

I am the director of sales and marketing for @kingsrowcoffee and have my own marketing firm @kate_speer but my true passion is storytelling and mental health advocacy. I am trying to figure out how to move towards that as a career while also being able to afford life. I m trying to practice patience with that transition.

Meanwhile, I share my story in recovery here and write daily.

When it comes to mental health, I struggle with depression, ocd, anxiety and ptsd daily but my illnesses do not define me. Nor does my 9 year misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder, the 21 psychiatric hospitalizations I ve had or the shock therapy that tremendously affected and still affects my memory. I choose instead to focus and define myself through the acts of resilience it takes to live with these illnesses.

I love eggs. I literally could eat them three meals a day. Oh wait, I do.

I am the middle sister of three girls.

I am currently craving Nutella.

This is my 4th time doing bootcamp. The first two times I was too scared (that is totally okay 😘) so I didn t complete it but in may, when I did, it changed my whole ability to love and accept myself. •

I am super excited to be on this journey with you and read through your intros tonight so without further adooooo!!! Let s let the self love begin!

May we know,
Yes - may we know,
Exactly as we are,
We are enough.

Soooo much love and light to you!!
Savoring slowness today & missing this fluff.

What a blessing to have a home and family I miss πŸ’š

And what a gift to have a day to nurse my introvert hangover.
I m feeling allllll sorts of uncomfortable in myself today and yup, that means it is time to lean innnnnnnn. •
Last night, I had two of the most illuminating conversations with two women and I find myself in new territory. I feel like I jumped off a cliff and know nothing about where I m headed and all sorts of confused about how I feel.

Things I learned:

I know very little about what body positivity means to others and I need a serious history lesson and a very noteworthy open mind as I balance the many perspectives on it.

I am scared to talk about everything pertaining to it after last night for fear of hurting others and because of my people pleasing but holy hell, I need to start practicing hardcore.

Just because I didn t ask for a following associated with body positivity and want to focus on mental health, it sure as hell doesn t mean I have the right to be unaccountable for the founders of the body positive movement and those it is actually intended for.

The body positive community may help me but it is actually not intended for me. It s for marginalized bodies. But can the intention evolve?

I don t understand the variety of perspectives on the intersection between body positivity & ed recovery.

Saying I m a white skinny privileged babe isn t helpful because it doesn t create change or come with action for change. Instead, it presumes an eradication of the responsibility of set privilege.

I have so much to learn.

I need a good reading list so help me out πŸ‘‡

I am going to mess up a lot. A lot.

I am going to try like hell to grow.

I hope we can grow together.

I still plan to be unapologetically me.

Sooooo, without further ado -
In a way that might feel like I m using these rad babes as tokens but I m doing this anyway because I believe humans themselves tell their most honest truths...please take some time and follow and read the truths of these accounts:
@sassy_latte
@the_feeding_of_the_fox
@yourstruelymelly
@chooselifewarrior

Let s get uncomfortable.
Let s grow.
And let s remember that
while we grow,
while we face discomfort,
while we listen,
while we try,
while we fall on our faces,
We are still enough,
Exactly as we are.
I feel that each day, I am slowly learning myself and ever so slowly learning to accept all that is me. What an intricate journey indeed. •
In face of all of this uncertainty, if there is one thing I know for certain:  if I still do not know me, then i certainly cannot presume to know you nor you, me.

I have always loved instagram for the stories and enriching perspectives of life as we all live it. When I first discovered the medium, I found myself getting lost in the intricacies of others - what an honor to read the truth of another human.

Recently, however, I feel that I spend my nights reading posts of hatred, assumption and judgement in place of honest narratives and personal experiences. Where honest biographies celebrating a collective inclusion of all the vast aspects and feelings of our humanity - both dark and light - used to lie, I now find boundaries, judgement & requests for exclusion.

This saddens me greatly.

I came to instagram to explore humanity not to judge it.
I came to instagram to find strength and solace in our many different darknesses not to compete over the hierarchical comparison of them.
I came to instagram to grow my gratitude not be told my privilege invalidates my belonging within my humanity.
Above all, I came to instagram to grow and to fall in love with all of us and how even though I cannot understand anyone else completely, I can still find perspective, insight and solace in our many dark truths.
Sharing vulnerability yields insight.
Sharing assumption does not allow room for it.

I know there will be harsh comments below for this is all true:
I am white, thin, able-bodied and affluent.
I am pure, inexplicable privilege to the common eye.

BUT
Just as I do not presume to know you
or speak for you
or represent you.

You do not know me.
or where I have been.
or how I feel.
or my intention on this platform or in life, in general.

So,
what if…
instead of assuming or judging in face of uncertainty,
we chose to lean in?
What if,
in face of the darkness -
we chose inclusion and curiosity?
What if,
in face of it all,
we chose to listen?
This is unapologetic, hip popping me and today, that is blissfully enough. •

I feel weird and uncomfortable posting this - as if I need self hatred, doubt or darkness to be me but instead, let me lean in with gratitude to this unusual feeling. Let me celebrate it even in face of a society that does not.

What a spectacular gift to be enough for myself.
What a true privilege.
Yes, what a privilege indeed.

Let us be enough for ourselves today.
Yes, exactly as we are.
Darkness, uncertainty, love, light and all,
Let us be enough.
I m having a day. And even though this isnt me in an airport having a panic attack as I am - welp, this pic justttt about sums it up.

Travel today is kicking my heinieeee something fierce and I m just straight up NOT rolling with it.

I m trying my darndest to get all zen and "be a solid rock in a raging stream or whatever and let the chaos flow by.
But let me tell you folks, sometimes that shiz does not work and that just is what it is.

So yup, I m having a day and that s okay. •

I know travel is a privilege.
I know travel is a gift.
I appreciate it as such.
I also know travel today is royally whooping my ass.
These realities can coexist - perspective, gratitude and pain.
Today they do within me.

So let me repeat this:
Let us all repeat this:
I am not my anxiety.
I am not my panic.
I am not my darkness.
I am not my illness.
I am not my demonizing thoughts.
I am not my self hatred.
I am not my struggle with travel days.
I am not my guilt for not enjoying this travel day.

I am a survivor.
I am more than my bad days.
I am more than my feelings.
I am more than my illness.
I am more.

So yes, here s to the growth that travel or any discomfort induces and also,
here s to a reset day tomorrow. •

May we all tread lightly on our souls for we all have a fight.
And may we know -
WE ARE ENOUGH.
Exactly as we are - days, panic, guilt, exhaustion and all.

πŸ“Έ: @el_williams who laughed when she took this and said, hell no you ll ever post this but I won t delete it just because it s so ridic. •
Well El, the shameless situation I am just did πŸ’πŸ˜‚
Someday, somehow, I will be free.

In the depths of darkness, four years ago, between two pages of suicide notes, I wrote this:
Someday, somehow, I will be free.
Yes, from today onwards, I vow to work as hard as I possibly can on myself so one day, I will be free.
Yes, this I vow.
I vow it to be true.
Someday, somehow, I will be free.

The next 107 pages of the journal are full of suicide notes, letters to my demons, calorie journals, prose of self hatred and scribbles from my episodes of psychotic and furied madness. Those 107 pages were the first 107 days of my recovery. They were excruciating, miserable, exhausting and the hardest 107 days of my life. •
No there weren t rainbows.
No there weren t unicorns.
No there wasn t even laughter or smiles.
No there wasn t even relief in sleep.
It was pure, ass kicking, exhausting hell.

But every day, in spite of the darkness, in spite of the hell that no one tells you about, in spite of the additional burden of recovery work on top of the burden of illness, I kept my vow. •
I worked on me.
I worked on me as hard as I possibly could.

Three and a half years of recovery ass kicking have passed since those first 107 days and yesterday, in pure, unapologetic, uninhibited, booty shaking and shame free glee, I leapt off a pier into the Mediterranean ocean.

What you cannot see here is the widest smile on my face.
What you cannot hear is the most radiant of giggles.
And what you cannot know - is that in this exact moment:
After nearly 4 years of daily, excruciating, exhausting work on me,
I was free.

Yes, I was free.


I get asked a lot, how do you do it? how do you recover?

The truth is, with work.
With lots and lots and lots of work.

I know that isn t easy to hear, especially in the midst of an illness that is already so much work to live with.

But what I can tell you is this - and this is hopeful.

The work is worth it.
Completely, absolutely, totally worth it.

And someday, somehow, if you work as hard as you can on growing yourself, you too will be free.

And you too will know, the work - however hard - is worth it.
I am reporting live from Nice, France and in honor of this incredible privilege of travel and vacation, I am rocking my gratitude all over and sharing it with you!!!!

Sooooo, without further ado!!! Gratitude diary day 1!!!

Today I am so so grateful for my loveyyyyy who makes me feel safe even when I m away and puts up with me giving him framing feedback on alllll his pictures πŸ‘†

I am also grateful for coffeeee and in particular cafe au lait because hollly heck it is scrum-diddily-umptious!!! (But I can only have one or else the anxiety gets realll)

And also! Today I am grateful for my camera!!!!!
My camera is one of my absolute best friends and I love love love it because it keeps me grateful and grounded. Annnnd, it helps me preserve my life when my memory cant(silly shock therapy). Btw... my pics are live on @kate_speer but only follow if you like getting spammed... it is legit my virtual memory so I post ALL the things.

And last but not least,
I AM GRATEFUL FOR YOU AND THIS TREMENDOUS COMMUNITY.

I value your companionship tremendously and now I m off to zinc my face and #jiggleforjoy in the Mediterranean. Yup, footage to follow.

So sweet warriors,
LET US HAVE A DAY.

And however that day is,
May we know,
Exactly as we are,
WE ARE ENOUGH.